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This entry is my second attempt to blog for you. I had almost finished when (OOPS) I erased everything. I stopped. I took a breath; went to refresh my stale coffee and started again. I had a cute litte joke to tell you that I had just received from a friend in cyberspace that I thought would be a good introduction. So, I will tell it to you. Yes, you can get inspiration from e-mail messages. The joke says DON'T BE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, REMEMBER MOSES STARTED OUT AS A BASKET CASE.

Therein lies the theme of my blog. I suffered with major depression for twenty years. Things didn't start out that way. In fact, I had a reasonably happy childhood, with overtones of dysfunctionality. I was always at the head of the class academically; was popular and all of the little non-essentials that give us self worth.

Things continued on a roll throughout my years at a university in Nashville. I was an honor student and enjoyed the college experience. Then, the bell rang and school was no longer in session. That is when it all "hit the fan."

I experienced a bad marriage and the baggage that went with it. I did give birth to a beautiful daughter. After my marital disaster I returned home to lick my wounds, minus a husband but with my beautiful young child in tow. I was a Speech Pathology major in school and had practiced the art in California but took  a job teaching Journalism, Debate, Literature and Grammar at the local high school in my hometown. Drrrrrrrrum roll, please. The DRAMA BEGINS.

My experience with depression did not have a definitive start. I didn't  know what had hit me. I had a nervous breakdown without even knowing how it was supposed to feel. One morning on the first day of school I didn't arrive. After a quick call to my bonus father, he came pounding on the door thinking I was in harm's way. And I was. That was the beginning.

A sensitive principal granted me a sabbatical and I spent six months in bed. My energy was zapped. My concentration was zapped. I was zapped. But, I didn't get help. I ended up qualifying for another sabattical the following year to earn a Master's Degree, which I did even graduating with honors. I was functioning on overdrive. To say that the personnel at the school district where I worked was sympathetic is like saying Mount Everest is a hill.

One step at a time, I spiralled deeper and deeper into a state of unhappiness, weight gain, lack of concentration, lack of self esteem and slumber.

Add to this equation my involvement with a religion that controlled my thinking. It was a cult but they would never admit to that. So, the former high school queen and football captain's sweetheart became Miss Messed Up.

The dispair went on for over twenty years. I was medicated but it didn't stop the nervous breakdowns I experienced. I was doomed and felt that all hope had left me. Yes, I prayed but it didn't seem to help. I had the outward appearance of normalcy flauting my signature smile. But, inside I was in pain. I was very much like a functioning alcholic. I did the work set before me and did so with efficiency but couldn't wait to get home so that I could crash. This went on for years and years and miserable years.

I qualified for early retirement in the nick of time. That is when I started making changes in my life. I left the cult with whom I was affiliated. Things didn't turn around suddenly. I had a gradual coming out party.

Fast forward to the present. I am still taking anti-depressants and am aware of their value. However, it is not the pills, and I respect them as well as my beloved psychiatrist. It is my faith in God that works for me. When I submitted to His will and purpose in my life, things started to change. Without my profound faith I would still be yo-yoing back and forth between sanity and whatever. Let me tell you what I do to ward off the demons of depression.

First, I accept the fact that every chain has a weak link. (Thanks for that line, Aretha Franklin) You must first accept your inadequacies. Own up to it. Take your life back. Fix your thoughts and you fix your mind. (Thanks, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale). Fill  your life with positives. Eliminate the negatives. That includes people and organizations. If it don't fit, don't force it. (Don't know the source of that witty statement). Develop some discipline in  your life. Let that discipline permeate your being. Start with bedtime. Be consistent. Get rest and try to retire the same time each night. Do you have to retire after all of that wonderful news you absorb at 11? Make prayer a way of life. Pray incessantly and read God's Word daily. Read inspirational books. Watch your bedfellows, in other words, the movies, magazines and even your conversations.

Getting the point? I retire early and rise early. (Thank Ben Franklin for that). Stay busy. Experience silence. You will never recover unless you put your total faith in the God who can refresh your body, mind and soul. May you have just enough clouds in your life to make a beautiful sunset.