Subtle. Soft. Silent. Those are what the gifts of god are. They are the precious ones we over look, fail to see, can not hear, and do not smell. To open one self up to God, means every part of you.
Law. a simple word huh? only three letters. Easy to spell. Easy to say. And thats about it!
Law. singular, is easy to follow. I can do that. But...then it becomes plural. Now there is more than one. Which one do I follow? The answer should be so simple: Gods law. It is the only one.
But, I find I get stuck as many people do with one other law. Mans law. At a discussion group, we had this discussion: which is mans law and which is Gods law. We touched on many topics. Divorce, homosexuality, abortion, war, and other tough, hard topics.
At the risk of being labeled a fanatic, I have come to the conclution, that Gods law is what is right for me. Not mans law. So, how does one go to church and believe and obey mans law?
A very good example: God says we should not go to church and pray. We should be praying in our closets and bedrooms. BUT, mans law says we have to go to church or we are sinners. Mans law says how many times we should recieve the host. Do I go every Sunday? Well, I do my best. 3 out of 4 Sundays is pretty good. Why do I go? I find I go for the community and commarodery. Yes, I do go to pray. Not just for the donuts and coffee after the 9:30 Mass.
We pray at church and say,:This is the word of the LORD." "AMEN" His word is his law. One word. Easy. Right?
I have prayed and waited for answers. And have recieved many answers. But, I never once questioned who was answering my prayers, until......
I had a court date. And I was suicidal. My solution to the problem was simple: a prayer. I told God, that I would take my life upon his judgement. He would be my voice thru the judge. If the judge ruled in my favor, I would live, if not, I would go to the cemetary where my baby was buried and kill myself. Well, I am writing this, so, I guess you know the judgement. Actually, there was no judgement. We never went before the judge. I went to the cemetary and yelled at GOD. Not fair! I later repented this action.
Upon telling a friend of this, she emailed me back and cautioned me. "Becareful of whom you are listening to." she warned. "Satan speaks in such a way that we think he is who he is not."
As if God wanted to reiterate this message, I started to come upon scripture in the bible about Satan. Mind you, I was not looking for this Scripture, it was just some how there for me. Genesis, and how Satan talked Eve into the apple. Writings on how Satan was a deciever and a smooth talker of many tongues.
Then, it dawned on me: I have so many times blamed God for things wrong in my life. With heavy repentance, I said my sorries.
Life is about good and evil. We are all stuck in the paradoxy of our own paradise lost, paradise regained. Ours lives are all chapters with in a book. And God is not to blame for all my miseries. How many times have I , or yourself, asked God why He has let something awful happen? STOP and think about this for a moment.
The Devil will get his due. Just because something tramatic has happened does not mean God made the tragedy. Purhaps, I , and possibly, all of us, have been wronging the wrong person of our wrongs!
I no longer blame God for all the wronging in my life. My divorce, the death of my dog, my financial upheaval. But, I do ask him for help and answers.
Yes, we can say that God does not give us anything we can not handle. But, all the time? I would like to think that there are times that God can not fix what the Devil has done. Good is said to always triumph over bad.
Listen carefully to whom is speaking to you. Think about the answers you are recieving. Pray to God for the right answer. In your heart you will know.
One thing I have learned, you do not get what you want. So, whats my point?
I have been having financial difficulties, and have prayed and prayed. What was I thinking! I could buy a lottery ticket and win millions! Well, yeah!
Then it dawned on me! lately, I have had extra cleints and cleans coming in on a weekely basis. That was Gods answer to me, extra jobs.
God really does hear our prayers. Wether you ask for something thru Mary or Jesus or a Saint. You just have to be open to the answer he gives you. He gives us what we need when we need it, not what we always want.
Sure, winning a lottery worth thousands would of been grand, but, in His wisdom, he gave me what I needed in a better way. Well, isn't winning the lottery better than having to work? No, not really. In the way of his widsom, I will become a better stronger person.
One only needs to be open to what he gives us. So, open up and recieve!
I prayed very hard at the court house. I prayed that God (the ultimate judge) would talk thru the judge at the divorce court. His judgement would either take my life or letme live.
Imagine my despair when I never went before a judge. Grrrr. Intervention? perhaps.
But, a point my vicar pointed out: how do I know the message was coming from God? could I distinquish the message from God or Satan?
I am not JOB, so how would I know? Would God really give me such a message, a child of his, who seeks his love? Perhaps, after all free will and all.
I tired to kill myself, obviously, I failed. I tried to fix things thinking that if I was dead, things would be better for everyone around me. But, come to find out, I was wrong. I scared so many people. I hurt a lot of people. Not thinking what I was doing. How would I like to go thru this pain?
of course , I understand why suicide gets commited. But, its a sin. Not only because your taking away Gods gift, but because you are hurting you neighbor.
I have once again thought of a way to kill myself, asking God for help, a answer. Friday, I recieved a letter in the mail that the bank would be reposessing my auto.
Today, I was not going to go to church. My friend usually goes with me, but was not suppose to go, but, her plans fell thru and she let me know she would like to go. I usually go to the 7:30 mass, but today due to a visit from the bishop, there was only a 9:30 mass.Needless to say, we went to the 9:30 mass.
While sitting in our pew, my friend inquired how things were going. to which I told her about the reposessing of my van. write then and there she took out her check book and wrote a check for the amount due. I began to cry. then the bishop gave her surmon. it was about doing Gods work: helping others. She read about the gospel and we heard:.....for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me." "....Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did to me...."
I truly think that my friend and I were guided to this surmon today. It fit us, especially her, to a tee.
I have prayed for days, saying novenas and prayers for answers , for help, to live or die. I introduced my friend to the church that we now attend. all this time i thought that I was being her angel, guiding her back to the way. But, now I see, it is Gods work showing me a true angel of mercy. Truly one of gods mysteries.
Yesterday, as I stood in front of my grave marker where our son is buried, and where I and my husband (X to be) are supposed to be buried, I asked God what I should do. Should I go and retreive the gun and bullets from the van and go thru with my plans, or should I wait? After all, I said that I would wait for HIS word from the mouth of the judge. But there was no judge. We never made it that far in the mediation process.
I closed my eyes in meditation. And I saw the brightess red boquet of roses I have ever seen. I have said my prayers to St. Theresa in the past, and wondered if she was giving me a answer. The roses went from red to pink to yellow.
Needless to say, I did not shoot myself, since I am here typing this blog. But, I still wonder if I should of. Was the vision a vision of hope, or a vision of welcome.
I spent the whole day in the court house reading the bible and trying to learn the rosary. I do feel that God is with me. But, I really rather be with Him in heaven. That is where my family is, with him. My son and my parents, my uncle, my grand parents.
I know that God does not want me to quit, but he also knows I need to be at peace. I am so troubled that i know I will never find peace here on earth. I will for ever be tormented.
I need to wonder if the roses were a good sign. That my prayers are heard. I pray they are. Amen
yesterday while going out to vote, a thought occured to me: What if the next president, and those after him, where to rule by the 10 Commandments? What if all leaders of the world lead by the 10 Commandments? Just think, if every nation loved their neighbor like themselves, no more war!
if the nation was ruled on the Bible, we could elimnate alot of conterversy about a lot of issues.
Wont work you say? If every nation were to lead according to thier religous values, we would find that all our values are very closely structured. I then think we would all agree more than disagree.
Our own dollar bill says: in God we trust. So why dont we?!
