I was thinking of having a solitude in the beach where I could see the vast expanse of God's masterpiece.
Lately, I am in the valley of decision making on some aspects of my life.
First, I did made a draft for my resignation from my multi-tasking job.
Second, my ardent goal to do my business with strong belief that I could make it happen to do top.
Third, balancing my spiritual walk and consistently doing things for God's glory.
Fourth, using my mind over my heart, that is, setting aside the heart matter, the emotion of being loved and to love. All of these created a space that fills my heart with heaviness and a bit of wonders & ponders.
I felt I need to have a rest where i could find tranquility in the midst of my noisy world.
It's been a while. I thought it's enough. I cannot change the whole system. I cannot change people's mind nor I cannot change the way they are.!.
As I was just pondering and seeing how beautiful the shoreline would be, I kept recalling of the small things that was thrown back and forth from the great waves & tides.
All of it; a piece of candy wrapper, an empty plastic bottle, a debris of woods, a small stone, an old boat maybe, were just some of the many small things that came to and fro from the beautiful shoreline.
I've dreamed of a wonderland where fantasy and merriment was there. I kept trying to change a certain scenario where the only thing I could help was to change the way I think about it.
I long to have the right man where he might be just waiting for my smile to start the history.!. I am trying to evade from a noisy crowd and plan to take a flight to a distant solitude yet things happen in a way I have no control of.
The shoreline where I would be going would be beautiful but deep within it was a tormented spirit. A gloomy face that might not suited to stay in the beautiful shoreline.
Along the shoreline of troubles, difficulties and doubts, there would always be a huge waves that flush out every unused things and unnecessary stuff.
When my shoreline was not beautiful as I imagined, I could just found out one foot step walking & creating a message in the sand that says " Leave it to me, my child". .
In the past couple of days, I was just a little bit lonely.. I was feeling there's something empty inside of me, it seems there's something lacking in me..I just cannot explain why but there has been a lot of things that continually battling in mind. My heart seems wanting to be free from it yet it has always been save in the memory of my heart. Though, I continually do a lot of things to evade the memory in the past yet when i am alone,lying on my bed, I cannot ignore that the scar is still there, though the wounds has been gradually healing... And few days after, my friends called me up and said " Jen, my wedding is coming up this November 08, you should be there" and another acquaintance told me that hers is October!... and they asked " how about you?" Then I answered, "well who knows mine would be the next month after yours if you throw your bouquet of flowers right on my face!"... and i laugh! just a sort of kidding... In times like this when people are making questions in their mind about how you have been, it seems like I am questioning Him " Oh Lord where's mine?" why i have none? what if ?.. Things are so uncertain.. Life has been a routine of activities, it has many surprises, everyday there are lot of things that would contribute my mood and the way i see my life as how it is going.. In one way or another, it creates a diverse emotions that I am trying not to keep deep within but I am just in my human flesh, I felt bad , I felt someone's hurting me so much, I felt I am alone, I felt God sometimes do not hear me, I felt that m prayers are just bouncing off the ceiling, I felt empty, I felt lonely... And my only resort is to kneel before HIS throne asking " please lead me to your plans oh God I have my own plans but I know Yours will prevail.".As quickly as I asked and ponder everything to God, something have come up in my mind trying to sink deep in my heart ; And here it goes;
1.)Look at the birds in the air Jenny, they do not toil nor labor food for themselves but did I forsake them? did I leave them empty? Oh? how much more do I take care of you?
2.) And how about this wild flowers in the forest? Oh" you of little faith!
3.) Did I sent you rainbow right after the rain? Oh common Jenny, cheer up! Your life is so precious to me, cant you see that?"
4.) Just think of this tiny lady bug crawling, are you not much more worthy than it? why worry when I have given you everything!
5.) And when your troubles is as high as this mountain
.....and when your pain is as deep as this ocean below,
... did I not commanded you to be strong & be of good courage for I am with you wherever you go!.... ....And as I continue opening my bible one page to another, later did I knew that my tears keep falling.. I cant help it but just let it flow.. I was just glad that in times of loneliness and it seems hard to understand how my life has been going on and nobody dare to cares about it still I CAN RUN ON HIM AND REST UPON HIS SHOULDER.. From that point onwards, my mind has been sealed that I AM JUST A CLAY AND HE IS THE POTTER ! HIS ways are higher than my ways nor HIS thoughts are not my thoughts ( Is.55:8) Every single person like me pass through the same stage of loneliness but may this be serves as an inspiration to some of you guys that keeps on wondering why? Just come to think of this : " FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU SAYS THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE" ( Jeremiah 29:11).... Making a deep sigh , I said to myself "No more questioning Jenny " Life is exciting.. who knows one day, he will come, isn't it?
It was the first day of school ( Sunday,Jan. 11, 2009) for this year 2009 for the street kids with a mission.
As we(the volunteers) were busy preparing for our lunch, on the other hand, number of kids were busy in their own thing. They arrived at church very very early! Wow ! What a good sign, isn't it?
And look who's been the punctual pupil??? Well, this cute little one on the picture was one of them. My 4year old toddler. Her name is Madeline.. I think she's just very excited. And yes she was! You could saw her in this photo as a very adorable one! Everybody would have love to have her around... As we were in the middle of our activity, her mood swings!
While some were having fun for the coloring activity, Madeline was used to be naughty, wanting to caught up your attention through her sweet smile, hug you around, etc. She would asked you many things but those time around, she's playing outside their place. Teacher Ivy called her attention with authority" Madeline? go back to your class!"..
Few minutes after, she's in the group yet of change behavior. She seemed angry with me??? I cannot make her follow what I would asked her to do. She started to throw me something! She seemed wanted to bite me! Oh my, what's happening to you Madeline?And later she cried out so loud ! I don't easily grasp what she's been feeling on to that hour..
She made to rock the boat for a few seconds? few minutes? Nope! It was almost an hour! Wow ! I felt like crying too for I do not know how to calm her down! I was not sure if I had done something wrong! I let Bidik & Pau make her stop from crying! But they too were not able to make her ease! It was a very terrible experience I ever had when she seemed very angry and she just cried, and cried and cried ! Oh my ! What should be the right thing to do? She seemed lost her most precious doll? We gave her water and yet she did not want.. We asked her what's wrong, she just answered crying!
And the class was not yet over, I had to focus on to the other kids for the next activity but my attention has been focused to Madeline's tantrums! I carried her through my arms ! She's just very heavy to carry with.. Few minutes later, i brought her to the stairs upward going to the Sunday School Classroom. We just sat there. This time, she's been very thirsty that at last she drank water already! Haaaaaaaayyyy ( Ang hirap nman pala maging Ina! hahaha!)
Ton - Ton teased me saying " You see Te Jen, that's how hard it is to be a mother!" Do you think she'd stopped crying this time? Precisely No! She continued her crying time! Later did I realize that she did not like to be scolded! And her mood started to swing when Te Ivy called her attention! Oh ! I understand how special Madeline was!
With endurance and patience, she started to lesser her crying tone from high to middle to low pitch when we returned to the toddlers' mat. And thank God ! She got her notebook already! Crying had gone at last ! And she started to wrote on her notebook the letter and stroke that she knew! At last! I was eased too ! It was hard yet it was fulfilling!
That was my first challenge was! I felt like giving up my temper but God gives me the strength more than I could ever imagine! What more can I ask for? Next Challenge???...
How are going to define a zigzag line? Definitely, it's not a straight line, it's neither a circle nor a square. Though it has in some point a straight line but it's not exactly what it is.. It's having straight line in a crooked way, it has a direction yet it's not consistently straight. And in some point, it may cause one's eye to be disturbed. When you look at it, what would come first into your mind? A perplexed life? A confusing way? or an enjoyable journey???
While some people live in a roller coaster life and while others do live like they were riding a certain wheel where life goes up and life goes down; there has been some who live like their road seemed in a crooked way ! it seemed they were traversing into a zigzag and broken way where the end has no definite time and has no exact location as to where it would be landing...
The desire to get it back from the beginning was there, yet it will always lead to its desire to follow where the road leads him to... How long would it turn out that way? when one debris would be broken??? how far could a heart bear all the consequences?? when everything was lost and would be taken away???
In the journey of life, there's no complete explanation. It's always been a mystery. It's always been unfair. When you love, you got hurt. When you choose to be alone, you will be lonely. When you choose fame, you'll sacrifice your time for the family. You can't be happy when your sad! You can't be angry when you are glad ! You can't let go when love is still there inside. You can't do the things you ought to do and you can't do the things you ought not to do! It's painful! It's memorable ! It's life. It's a line that continues running where it would be going...........
A zigzag road pictures out how my journey goes to and fro.. I sometime in my success and some other time in my failures and weaknesses.. How could it be wrong? how could it be made right?... No one could ever help me in this journey along MY ZIGZAG ROAD other than me! How long would I let go of YOU??? when my heart's desire 's to see you happy, to let you feel that you are loved! ... how long will I continue loving you ??? How far my heart could bear the pain of losing you somehow ? I just do not know for I am completely running this zigzag road of love to you...
I lived independently from my family since when I was in College. Living in a boarding house for female students. Since then, I've learned to make my own stuff in proper perspective, budgeting my weekly allowance, paying my bills,making my assignments, going home early, doing my own chores, and so and so forth. In short, I am a very straight forward person. I did not cut classes nor go out with barkadas for pleasures.
I used to be the solo flight lass. I am just fine when I am alone. Honestly, I am an introvert type of person yet things happened and my world changed when i try to conquer my world. Reaching for others. Joining clubs and civic organizations. I excel in class. I used to be my Professor's favorite. Some of my teacher became my closest friend and it's nice to know they trusted my capability as student. I then became a leader. I was elected in the Supreme Student Council as one of the campus highest officer. Not only that, I have the passion maybe of being a friend to everyone. I gain a lot of friends. I gain my self confidence. I write . I then talk publicly. I lead. One thing I did not realize that I WAS BORN TO BE A LEADER.
Things passed so fast, I was then graduated with flying colors. I graduated CUM LAUDE. "What a greatest achievement you have ", some would exclaimed ! I was not really sure if that would guarantee my future success in life ! In my career. In conquering the real world of survival and competition. Expectations from inside and out, from parents to relatives, from my circle of friends to my teachers, from everybody who came to knew me.
One year, two years, three years that passed. I am still hopping from one place to another. Searching for a better home, for a greener field. Til one day I've realized greener field lies to the one who gives and take away all things. In Him, the field is vast and green. That is, In JESUS i am complete and all things are possible! In Him, the field is even more greener and the pasture is always been sure.
