Man, i was getting rite with God and was meeting with a Priest and then we came to where we were on the opposite side of the fence with some things and I did not continue meeting with him as a result. I have turned to "religious leaders" so to speak and it has usually backfired on me except in one case. I kept going to Church and and it was killing me inside cuz of our disagreement and that i no longer had that spiritual support from someone strong in God which I desperately needed, so i thought in the past. However, i got unstable (read mental illness cycle) and turned against organized religion and those old feelings of God not caring came back because of situation with Priest triggered back childhood events that affected my faith. I rebelled against God for months, hardly going to Bible Study, or do anything spiritual. I did not realize that It was my own perceptions that were an obstacle. I had at some point to come to the belief that if you commune with God you must create sacred space and time. So I did not see that God was available at all times. I felt distant.  I got stable again and returned to Bible Study and with a renewal and a member of that Bible Study said something that clicked with me and it was "if your work is in the kitchen, God is amongst the pots and pans" which is a quote from St. Teresa of Avil and along with a book she gave me to read, Practising the the Presence of God (Highly recommend it) just clicked with me. I know realize that God is with me at every moment 365 24/7 thru the good and bad and okay and dull and whatever. I try to be mindful of God as much as I can without my Obssessive Complusive Disorder interefering. I offer thanks, give opinions, say a simple hi, offer praise, pray for self an others, an tell Him that i love Him. I dont have any set times for prayers and more. I dont usual formal prayers anymore. I have that connection with God now, and I am thrilled beyond belief. Who'd know that it was just a simple jolt to bring me into awareness, thank God. He is a patient one, isn't He????

Somewhere around this time I was becoming interested in Theravada Buddhism.  I still had no concept of  salvation or that I could have a close and viable relationship with God.  I tended to notice "lip service" Christians for their non devoutness and then I based my opinion of God based on their actions. What attracted me to Theravada Buddhism was the person was responsible for their own salvation (Nirvana).  You acknowledged gods but had no relationship with them because they were not seen as neccessary for salvation. I liked that "depend on yourself mumbo jumbo".  Good thoughts, actions, and works is what this type of Buddhism considers the focus.  I liked the ethical Eightfold Path. I went through the motions and still had no connection to God. I had no clue that I could communicate to God and God would respond back to me.  I ended up going to a Catholic priest when my interest returned to God.  I was still pretty much defining God on my own terms and  thought I could do whatever I wanted as long as I was responsible. I had no concept that God loved or cared for me on an emotional/spiritual level.  At this time, I did not love myself and this inhibited me.  I had no concept of self love, let alone, God's love for me. The priest ended up transferring to another Church in another town and I felt such a substantial loss because I would no longer see him. I got the idea that God yanked him from me.  I was hurt.  I felt rejected all over again, so I took yet another break.  I thought to myself this spiritual stuff is so hard.  I decided to give up.  I still had the interest, but did not realize that I needed to rely on God's strength to get me where I was going. I decided to take a more traditional route than liberalism.  First, it was Roman Catholic, but I decided that Church was not for me. However,  there are a lot of things I like about Catholic faith.
I was still looking for a traditional church.  I stumbled upon an Epipiscopalian Church and found that I liked it.  It had the ritualism of the Catholic Church and that attracted me.  I still had the same old spiritual obstacles though.  I started meeting with the Deacon on a weekly basis.  During this time of Church attendance, I did not get to know the other Church members.  I did not stay for socials, etc. I still had no concept of God's love for us by Him giving the world His only Begotten Son for our salvation.   I tried praying and private worship but a lot of times my Obsessive Compulisve Disorder took over which led to difficulties. The words of the Bible were not alive to me as they are now.  I did not agree with the concept of sin. I was very critical of myself and thought that was how God viewed me too. I walked away once again based on a misunderstanding. Months later, a man mentioned he was attending Church and a Bible Study.  It was like a fire was lit under me.  It was  God calling me and I was responding "Here I am." I started attending the Episcipolian Church again.  I was making an effort to get to know other Church members this time around. I became involved in Bible Study at the Church. Something was different this time.  The words of the Bible were coming alive, I started to see God as involved in my life and realized He loved me. As I am learning to love myself, I am learning to love Jesus Christ, our Saviour and Redeemer.  Now I got you update, the focus is going to be on my current spiritual experience, the ups and downs. However, I must say I feel as if I am not going to walk away from the Church again. I am making spiritual progress, so stay tuned and see where I go from here.

As the years passed, my anger subsided toward God unless I was having a rough time and then it came back, sometimes very intense.  My experience with the occult/paganism was anything but successful.  I never felt connected to the False Gods, did not seem them as False at the time.  I had no success, no spiritual peace, that I so desperately needed. It was path after path.  I became so frustrated and overwhelmed by all my seeking I was losing heart.  I eventually gave up spiritual seeking due to the pain it was causing me.  Sometimes, I would find a renewal of interest then the apathy would set back in.  Then one day I thought to myself, what if those Christians are onto something.  For the first time, I felt spiritual fear in that I was realizing I had been going  in the wrong direction. A big task was ahead of me I started to study Judaism and Christianity to discover God.  Remember I came with a lot of hurt and mis-perceptions about God.