How to Offer an Apology

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After several false starts I poised my pen on the little note card in front of me. "Dear Miss Smith," I wrote slowly and carefully. "I wanted to write you a note and let you know that I'm sorry . . ."

I was writing an apology. Miss Smith was a teacher at my son's school. Inadvertently I'd omitted the writings from her class in the literary magazine we were putting together, and she was upset.

"Please tell the children that adults sometimes make mistakes too," I added.

As I sealed the envelope, I thought of all the thank-you notes, birthday greetings and sympathy cards I'd addressed over the past year, yet I couldn't recall a single card of apology.

I began to wonder. How effective were my apologies? I looked up the word "apology" in the dictionary and found that its meaning had two shadings. The first was admitting an error or injury; the second was a matter of regret. Mulling over these things, I came up with several rules of thumb to improve the frequency and quality of my apologies.

1. See the danger signs. I recalled that when I was a girl, my mother had a blowup with the mother of one of my girl friends; I'll call her Mrs. Jones. It seems that Mom got weary of being a taxi service for after-school clubs. When Mom tried to suggest a more equitable system, Mrs. Jones became indignant.

To my girlish eyes, the situation seemed clear-cut: Mrs. Jones should apologize to Mom. But that's not what happened. Mom fixed up a casserole and some brownies and look them over to Mrs. Jones, saying, "I'm sorry my suggestion was upsetting to you."

Mrs. Jones began crying and told Mom of the pressures she'd been under as a stranger in our town, coping with a mentally unstable husband. When Mom left, they embraced each other.

From this I learned to be more sensitive to the first signs of a rift in a relationship. They could be as varied as a blowup, a cold shoulder, a cutting remark, a rumor of ill will that gets around.

2. The sooner, the better. One day my computer malfunctioned and I called the toll-free service number, wincing at the prospect of the usual runaround. Before I'd even gone into the nuts and belts of my problem, the woman said, "We're sorry you've had this problem." Her refreshing, up-front apology diffused my anger. Proverbs 17:14 says, "The start of an argument is like the first break in a dam; stop it before it goes any further" (Good News Bible).

The longer the lag time between a hurt and an apology, the more chance for hard feelings to develop. Jesus even tells us to go "at once" and mend things when we recall that someone has something against us (Matthew 5:23,24).

3. No strings. As I reread the definition of an apology, it occurred to me that there was no mention of an automatic acceptance on the part of the injured party. That's why apologies are faith-builders. It takes grace to say "I'm sorry" to someone who might retort, "You should be."

In the Bible, the prodigal son says, "Father . . . I have sinned against God and against you. I am no longer fit to be called your son (Luke 15:21, GNB). He did not ask to be restored to good graces, only to be allowed to serve his father as a hired hand. The father's return gift was forgiveness.

4. The prayer of apology. One night my husband, Gordon, and I argued over a family decision I'd made in haste. Nightly prayer time with our youngsters rolled around. Lately we'd been teaching them to think of one thing that had happened during the day that they might want to ask forgiveness for. Suddenly I heard Gordon pray, "Forgive me for being angry at Karen."

I in turn prayed, "Forgive me for acting out of anger."

It was a simple exchange in prayer, but it seemed to breathe a new calm into our relationship. To pray with another person is one of the most touching, powerful means of apology.


The above article originally appeared in Guideposts magazine. Visit the recently updated guideposts.com today.